Friday, August 14, 2009

Mothering a muddle? No.

Sometimes I have time to look back at my life. What I used to be, what I am now, and occasionally I try to look at what I'll become if I continue in the same path I'm currently in.

I used to be a very creative little girl with unique interests. Very unique. I shunned trends, which is wrong. Just because they're a trend doesn't mean they are lame. However, when I was young I felt that most trends were impractical, self serving, and wastes of time.

When I was 11 years old I got my first job. I started delivering the afternoon newspaper and made a lot of money. I never went through that wasteful stage that most kids go through where their first wads of money disappear in an instant. My spending habits were very focused from the start. I bought a stereo. A pair of binoculars. A membership to International Pen Friends. A camera. Stamps. Notebooks. Pens of all sorts. Art supplies, even though I was never very good at art. Sheet music for the piano, although I was never very good at the piano either. I felt that my use of money was very practical. Whether it was or wasn't doesn't matter. The point is that I was able to envision something I wanted, and then make it appear with work, time, and money. What a power!

I think that's how time became so important to me. It can be used in so many ways. To our advantage or disadvantage. I was very into accomplishing things in a short amount of time. After I spent a year on a foreign exchange program in Spain I realized that not only can you spend your time doing something useful. You can do something useful somewhere else. Somewhere interesting. Anywhere in the world.

There are so many ways to live life. So many ways to learn about the world. However, I've slowly slid into a muddle. Perhaps many mothers do. I don't want to excuse myself however. I have ceased to dream those grand dreams I used to dream. I don't think about them anymore, in fact I don't know what they are anymore because I haven't thought about them in so long. I guess if you stop thinking about something you do forget it. A simple lesson. I blame it on mothering. Mothering took me, who still had plans, and gave me a helpless baby instead. What could I do? Of course, what any mother would do. Take care of it and love it to no end. And perhaps have more and more and more babies. Then slowly those previous plans float away and are gone forever. And maybe its a good thing. Maybe those plans were dumb and immature. Trying to recall them, I think they were. If they were so grand I would be able to remember them. Perhaps my muddle isn't a muddle after all. This mothering has molded me into a different creature. My time, work, and money goes elsewhere now. It goes always to them. The result I envision is much grander than anything I could have
From the adventures of bunsy and her tumbleweeds
So I have given up my old hobbies for new ones. Ones that are meant for me at this time in life. Cooking. Sewing. Song learning. Poem memorizing. Cutting. Pasting. Sleeping in strange positions. Story telling. Imagination fostering. Packing. Unpacking. Picture taking. Memory making. Enjoying the moment. Waiting. Worrying. Listening. Leading. Following. Letting.

I should probably take up a few more and I surely will as my children grow. Perhaps decorating might be beneficial on the guests eye, but really I don't think I'll ever. It's too impractical for me and definitely too impractical for my husband. Quilting? Yes, maybe. Gardening. Yes. Meditating. Yes, I hope.


Layla said...

I hope to be such a grand mother like you. Your kids are lucky to have you as a mum! Maybe I'll come to doha and meet up with you sometime :)

Sonja said...

lovely, lovely. you are one of the greats, christine. :)

I really appreciate mothers who paint a "we can do it and do it well" picture as a oppose to the very prevalent "aaackk! i'm a mother and i'm always going crazy because i'm a mother!" picture. We've all taken part of both, but we definitely need more of the former.