Cheese, complaining and birthday number 4

Definitely looks like Dad.

     This will be a cheesy post so don’t read if you hate cheese. Today was Helen’s 4^th birthday. She is my only daughter and my youngest child. Having her in my life has truly been a pleasure. She’s nothing like I imagined my daughter would be. She doesn’t really look like me. She’s bony thin. She’s super emotional. She’s very aware she’s a girl. She’ll do anything if I’m doing it too. I just love her sooooooooooooo much. I’m grateful I’ve got her and the rest of my kids to do things for because lately I’ve been having a “Woe is me!” attitude. My job is pure torture. I spend my days and nights indoors (which I hate). If I’m not at work, I’m in the kitchen. Weekends are spent cleaning and doing laundry (without a dryer). Sometimes I go entire days without having a normal conversation with my children that doesn’t involve asking them to do something. I haven’t been rising to the challenge very well this time around and I’m heartily disappointed in myself.

     I actually thought I was tough at one time. I really had a high opinion of myself and what I was capable of accomplishing with my available resources. Call it pride. Call it whatever you want. It’s gone now. I am a wreck and I’m completely aware now of how easy my life was before I moved to Istanbul. Not a day goes by when I don’t think about LA.

I miss that blessed city.

I miss my time as a stay at home mom.

I miss my days as a student.

I miss my car.

I miss being able to go to beautiful places and not feel fenced in by traffic ( LA’s isn’t as monstrous as Istanbul’s).

I miss the open road in the Western US.

I miss the Pacific Ocean.

I miss the marina where I used to row.

I miss not having to go to the store every day.

I miss hiking.

I miss bagels.

I miss my kids’ school.

I miss my old apartment.

I miss so many things.

I’m not even going to mention the people I miss.

But there’s one thing I don’t miss and that’s my family. Thank goodness I’ve got them here with me. My little ones have no idea what I’m going through, they just know that I’m grumpy and sad all the time. Realizing that has helped me pep up a bit. No kid deserves a grumpy, sad mom. I had a great mom and she always put on a smile for me. So, for the last two weeks or so I’ve been trying to be more positive. I got myself a membership at a dumb gym (I hate gyms), I do my daily workout, I don’t eat so much “Woe is me” junk food anymore, I sleep better, and I am less bossy. My job still sucks. I’m still cooking and cleaning more than I’d like, but I’m trying to remember my kids a bit more and its helping. My little precious kitty girl deserves a happy face. My boisterous boys need a warm hug after a long day of wondering what’s going on around them at school. What more can I say? I just love ‘em. Someday maybe they’ll realize that being a parent doesn’t mean you can’t be a baby too.

Speaking of babies, my baby, Helen, wanted to go to McDonald’s for breakfast and to play in the Playplace this morning. When we got home we baked her birthday cake together. She asked for a strawberry cake. That was a tough one since its November and strawberries are hard to come by in Turkey, even when they’re in season. We settled for raspberry. I found some frozen raspberries. Great cake! We went to the mall and played in those kid arcades that are full of coin operated cars and motorcycles and even a white kitty with a fish in it’s mouth. Perfect! She’s so easy to please. Her favorite things are kitty’s. She got everything she wanted for her birthday. She got to pet kitties in the forest. She got to ride on the white kitty at the mall. She got a white kitty puppet from IKEA as a present. Atticus even drew her a picture of a kitty. Happy Birthday my little Kitty girl! It’s been fun making her day special.