Thoughts

Thoughts. Thanks for the idea Jill.

1. This morning I went to the Akbil place to load up my akbil. An akbil is the small device that people use in Istanbul to use public transportation. You press it into a little circle on entering a bus, a ferryboat port, and a train station. So I go there often since I have to travel to my turkish class three days a week. The man made me mad because he only takes one lira increments. He won't take 50 cent coins or any other smaller coins. It bugs me because what if I can't get home because of a lack of 5 kurus (cents). I know the people are supposed to accept all kinds of money because I see my husband pour change onto the counter when he loads his akbil up. The frustration is because I can't tell the guy how I feel and how I think he is lazy for not accepting change. So I spend 10 minutes of my day lost in unhappy thoughts. What a waste of time. I wish the things that other people did didn't bother me so much. I could have spent those 10 minutes admiring the beautiful morning instead. I need to work on that.

2. Hair. What to do, what to do? It's getting longer. I cut it right before I had my last baby because I never really did anything with it except put it in a ponytail. Well, advice for someone who doesn't do anything with their hair would be "Don't cut it too short" because it was pretty bad for a while. Yuck. Plus, for some crazy personal view, I associate short hair on women with maturity. As I near my 30th birthday, I want to stay as far away from mature as possible. Let me be young forever!!!!!! So as long as I can, I will keep my hair at least shoulder length or longer. So now, I'm waiting for the time, place, and price to appear. I need a small change. My husband for sure won't notice a small change. Let's face it ladies. We don't cut our hair for our husbands, we cut it for us!

3. Friends. I don't have a bestest bestest friend either, but there have been times in my life where I have really been appreciative of the friends that were accesible at the time. I'm actually not sad that I don't have a best friend. I feel like if I really did have one I wouldn't go to much effort to meet new people. But here in Turkey, it is really difficult to make real friends. Most of the turkish ladies I meet and actually get together with or at least have a conversation with view me as a documentary case. "This is what an American mother is like. She does this, this, and this." I can't deny however that I think along the same lines when I'm with them. I can't complain too badly though because I do have a few really good friends here. I don't get together too often with them but when I do I can really be myself and they understand me and my family.

4. Beliefs. Here's my chance to say how much I love the beliefs that the LDS church teaches. For those who don't like preachy Mormons, skip this part. My absolute favorite part of mormon doctrine is that God has a specific plan for every single person. God loves us so much and he really is our spiritual father and now that I'm a parent I can sort of understand how frustrated he might feel about us people on Earth. Crazy dumb things we do to eachother. How we think we're so smart because we discovered a cure for this and that. Anyway, I love that I can talk to Him and ask him for help when I get frustrated with my kids and I do, a lot. Just thinking about what it looks like to Him when I'm yelling at my kids makes me feel ashamed of myself. But not so ashamed that I won't talk to Him about it. I don't have to seek God through the Bible or through a holy clergyman. Me, I can. Anyone can. The other best part about God's whole plan for us is that we have a perfect example to follow. Jesus. I know a lot of people don't believe he is divine, but I do. And because I believe this I have a knowlege that a lot of people don't have. I have a knowlege that I can be forgiven of my sins if I ask and especially if I try to be like Jesus. I am calm about my beliefs and I am happy.

5. Babies. Oh, I love babies. As a young woman I never went goo goo gaa gaa over babies. But now that I've had three, I absolutely love them. They are so easy to be patient with. They are soooooo tender and soft and cute. As you can tell I am so ready to have another baby and in a way I really want one, but then I remember how I get when I have a baby. The pregnancy part is just fine. No problems there. No problems giving birth. But then you bring the baby home. Yeah, there's no sleep for months. My body is massive for forever. I don't have time for anything. All that is nothing compared to two things. 1. I've never been able to breastfeed. I'll spare you the details about my body, but despite the efforts I've gone through to be able to breastfeed it has never worked. I sometimes feel bad because some people make me feel guilty about not breastfeeding. I spend 15 minutes every three hours pumping once the baby is born and it lasts for a month until I can actually slow down. It's horrible! I hate it because I can't ever keep sleeping even if the baby is asleep. I still have to get up and pump. During the day its hard to pump because I can't go anywhere far because I have my whole set up at home and its just easier to do it at home. Then I have to worry about the kids killing eachother and the baby. At least while you're breastfeeding your baby is safe. Too much stress for me. After those first three months I decrease my pumping and things get a little more managable but I remember wondering if I would make it through. My husband does more than any husband I know. So I know the thought of having any more children is a huge decision for me and my husband. It's not just me taking care of them. During the first 6 months my husband plays just as big a part in taking care of the baby as I do. So the thought isn't that enticing to him. But we both want more children but we are aware more than ever of the sacrifices another child would bring.

2. I am in Turkey. I know that if I had a baby I would flip out emotionally. I've had my breakdowns even without being post-partum. Think of how I'd be if I did have a baby. Crazy! My poor other kids and my poor husband. Believe me, there is nothing wrong with Turkey in particular. Being in any other country would do this to me. No family to help me. No english magazines to buy at the grocery store. No emergency babysitters. No other mothers to talk with that are going through the same thing. My emotional well being is not the best right now.

So when I weigh the pros and cons of having another baby I think we'll just have to wait. Not too long I hope. We'll see what lies in our future.