Thursday, February 14, 2008
Atticus and Sherman sleep in the same bed and have done so for the entire time we have been in Provo. As I was tucking them in Shermie said the prayer most willingly which is not unusual. He was thankful for the mall and McDonald's. I don't know why. We haven't gone there for almost three weeks. (That is good for us.) Of course he was thankful for cars and trains and also for the tracks that the trains go on. After the prayer I looked down and was thinking about something profound. I honestly can't remember what it was, but I remember what I was looking at. I was looking at the pile of Sherman's clothes that lay at the side of the bed. That is where we keep all of his clean clothes...in a pile at the side of the bed. What comes to mind now is the reminder to myself that material things really have no lasting importance. This pile of clothes is made up of mostly hand me downs, a few acquisitions from a local used clothing store, and a few special items that were given to Shermie to wear. They serve only to clothe my son at this point in time. They serve to teach him that it is socially acceptable in our society to clad oneself in fabric. For some people certain fabrics are better than others. For me, the importance flickers in and out of my life. When I look at my account balance, the quality of fabric loses importance. When I walk through the mall, I feel myself needing something a little more pricey than normal. I HATE IT!!!!!! Oh, how I hate and superficially love the mall. It doesn't make me the person I really want to be. Why am I so easily persuaded to take a trip from my goals and aspirations and slop around in an environment that will not help me be who I want to be! It reminds me of one of the levels of Hell in Dante's Inferno where the spirits of the damned trudge around in tar and if they resurface just a bit they become a target for demons darts. They immerse themselves again for fear of a dart. Do I immerse myself in sticky tar willingly? Is there a dart waiting for me if I surface from the depths? Perhaps the dart of diligence and determination. It is painful and tiring to be diligent when you're a single mom. I'm exhausted. Good night.